Think about this...

The Way It Is

There’s a thread you follow. It goes among

things that change. But it doesn’t change.

People wonder about what you are pursuing.

You have to explain about the thread.

But it is hard for others to see.

While you hold it you can’t get lost.

Tragedies happen; people get hurt

or die; and you suffer and get old.

Nothing you do can stop time’s unfolding.

You don’t ever let go of the thread.

~ William Stafford ~

Risking Mania

"It is a dare: find your passion, find your energy, ignite your being, and, in the process, risk mania." ~Eric Maisel, Coaching the Artist Within

I'm reading the book, Coaching the Artist Within by Eric Maisel. Today I read a chapter about positive obsessions. We tend to think of obsessions as negative things - things we need to overcome, forget, let go of or heal from. But obsessions can be positive and healthy, as well. Positive obsessions are things that nurture us, inspire us, motivate us, keep us thriving and dreaming, creating and living. A positive obsession is when you love something (or someone) passionately, think about it constantly, let other obligations or tasks slip away because of your intense interest in it. You work at this obsession tirelessly, letting it interfere with daily life. You give it the power to elevate your mood, raise your heart rate, alter your eating and sleeping patterns and consume your dreams.

I have had many positive obsessions in my life. When I am in these obsessive phases, these things have consumed my mind from morning til night. They have altered my typical patterns, made me push other things aside, kept me focused on a single train of thought and motivated me to work hard toward a specific goal.

When I decided to lose weight a few years ago, I became obsessed with diet, exercise, clothing sizes, body image and health. Though I may have been annoying to others (as some of you have told me) I needed this obsession to keep me motivated, to fuel me and power me through the weight loss. It was hard work (it still is!) and I know I couldn't have done it if I had gone at it half-heartedly. I needed to focus on the goal of weight loss and let other interests and obligations slip away for a little while. During this time I only read books about diet, weight loss, and health. I focused all of my energy on planning healthy meals, getting to the gym and finding other ways to exercise. I talked non-stop about health, diet and exercise plans. And I became obsessed with the scale, clothing sizes and the way my shrinking body looked in the mirror. I needed to do this. And I am glad I did. I lost over 80 pounds with diet and exercise alone. I shrunk 6 clothing sizes. My self-esteem sky-rocketed. I got healthy. And it changed my life. Without this positive obsession, I don't think I would have accomplished this incredible feat.

Another positive obsession is my passion for writing. I have been obsessed with writing my whole life. There are times when the writing fire burns me up inside and it is all I can think about, talk about, read about and do. Then there are times when I find an interest in other things and I let the writing lay in wait for a little while, resting peacefully. But through all of this, the passion for writing is always there. Always. I want to write. I want to surround myself with writing tools and books and other writers. I want to live the writing life. This consumes me. I am obsessed. But I love it.

Some other positive obsessive phases I have gone through involve travel, education, nature, relationship, cooking, family, friendship, celebration and love. Each one is something that has taught me, nurtured me, enriched my life and inspired my dreams. I benefit immensely from these positive obsessions. I wouldn't be who I am without them.

But there are times when there's just too much and I crave that one, important, all-consuming obsession. Right now I am obsessed with a few things all at once and I can feel my mind and my heart being pulled in too many different directions. I find that I cannot give enough to each obsession, even though I try, and so it feels like I am neglecting some things that are important to me. I am obsessed with school, writing, my relationship, finding my way in a new town, health and weight loss, maintaining friendships and relationships with family, planning my future, discovering who I am, doing what I want........this is how I am risking mania. I am spreading myself thin trying to give my full energy and attention to all the things I want and love and need - and it's feeding me, nurturing me and keeping me going. But it's also making me a little crazy. Like Eric Maisel's dare above: I am finding my passion, finding my energy, igniting my being and, in the process, I am risking mania!

What are your positive obsessions? How do you risk mania in your life?

Love and Gratitude

Lately, it has become very apparent to me how important it is to surround myself with a comforting, supportive and entertaining circle of friends. Or, in many cases, circles of friends. Specifically, women friends.

I have women friends I have known for years, who know all the ups and downs of my life. Even after going weeks, months (or even years) without contact, I know I can call them or write them or meet them for a drink and it's like we've never been apart. We know each other. We care about each other. We connect in a way that never grows old, never gets tired or boring, never wavers. We are forever friends.

I have another circle of friends that I write with. These women know a side of me that many do not. They know the writer in me, the inner me. They are open and honest and supportive. They care about me unconditionally without judgment or criticism, and I feel the same. These women are a part of my life at this time for a reason. I hope we will remain in contact, but perhaps we won't. Either way they have touched my life in a way I cannot describe, as I hope I have done for them as well.

My mother, sisters and sister-in-law all hold special places within these circles. I connect with each on a different level, and each is important to me in their own particular way. Of course we have all had our ups and downs through our lives together (what family doesn't) but we are always, always there for each other. This circle is the most important to me in a fundamental, I-couldn't-do-without-them sort of way. They are my family, my friends, my center.

Another circle of friends is fairly new to me and is pure enjoyment. This circle is the women I have met in my new town. They are the wives and girlfriends of my boyfriend's best friends (does that make sense?). We all gather together often for parties, sporting events, girl's night out, children's birthdays and more. They are the circle that is always there, always around. It has taken me some time to get to know these women, but now that I do, I enjoy them immensely. When we are together it is all laughter and games, fun and good times. It is so nice to have a group of women friends to laugh with!

Then there are the random friends who have all touched my life in their own particular way. There are instructors I have worked with through my master's program that I have connected with through writing and truth-telling. They know things about me that I would share with no one else and each of them has supported me unconditionally. I treasure each of these relationships and hope to continue building upon them. There's the friends I met at my first residency who are trucking through this graduate program along side me. We are following similar paths right now that keep us connected. They are each special to me in their own way. There's the friend I met when I moved to a new town (alone) two years ago who has always been there with an invitation to lunch or a party or a drink at a local restaurant. I hope to remain in contact with her and get to know her better. And there's those random friends who come in and out of my life, each one sharing a part of themselves with me and teaching me something about life and friendship. These women continue to enrich my life and add to my personal story.

Each woman I know holds a special place in my heart. Each one has touched me, taught me, inspired me, and given me joy. As I journey through this life, I continue collecting pieces of these women, saving and savoring the moments and memories. They are my circles of friends, they are my center. Love and gratitude to each one.

Life Lessons

Be open and let the world in. Accept the gifts of the universe.
Be generous; share your gifts and spread joy to others.
Be strong; you have what it takes to make it through.
Be honest with yourself and others; the truth will set you free.
Be adventurous; let life be a journey, and travel on.
Be wise; think about the things you do and say. Make an effort to be conscious.
Be positive; it will all come back to you.
Be grateful; cherish the gifts you are given, the people who touch your life, the experiences you encounter and the opportunities yet to be discovered.
Be loving; share a kiss, a hug, a kind word or a smile. The smallest act of love can change the world.
Be a dreamer; let your mind wander, your thoughts climb, your aspirations fly.
Be you; do not let others shape you or change you or diminish you. Stand strong and believe in who you are.
Be kind; an act of kindness travels far.
Be aware; notice the little things around you that make the world a beautiful place. Notice the people that hold space in your life.
Be bold. Step up and stand out. Raise your voice. Take chances.
Be silly; laugh out loud and have fun. Laughter equals life.
Be creative; make, invent, produce, form, conceive, generate, forge, imagine, develop, design.

Faith

I went to church today - a Sunday morning Catholic mass. I am not Catholic. Well, wait...I was baptized Catholic but then my parents left the Catholic church and raised me and my sisters and brother, up to a certain point, in the Methodist church. Eventually there came a time when my mother set us free to believe whatever we wanted to believe - to search out our own faith. My older sister stuck with Methodist. My brother moved more towards nature-based religions. I'm not quite sure what my younger sister believes. And me? I'm confused.

I don't know what I believe. I am definitely not Catholic. I wouldn't even call myself Christian. I am not particularly an atheist - someone who does not believe in God. I guess I'm more of an agnostic. My Oxford Dictionary defines an agnostic as, "a person who believes that the existence or nature of God cannot be proven." That seems right to me.

I think religion is pure faith. It is the belief that something is out there. What? Whom? Where? How? Does anyone really know? And does anyone really have the right to tell me that their religion or their faith is the one? I'd rather look around, explore, sample all different religions and faiths and figure it out on my own. I'd rather put together the things that make sense to me, that move me, that bring me peace; and create my own faith. I'd rather be accepting and welcoming of all faiths; not shunning any, but not putting all my faith in any one either. I'd rather make it up as I go along.

So, while my visit to a Catholic church this morning was an interesting experience, I know I won't return (except for the occasional wedding, funeral or baptism - which is why I was there today). It's just not for me. It's not who I am or what I choose to believe.

I choose to believe in nature. I believe in evolution. I believe in karma. I believe in humanity. I believe in peace. That's a good start. That is how I am building my faith.

Remembering Love

I went to buy a Valentine's card today for the man in my life. What an endeavor! I wanted to buy one that said enough, but not too much; one that was sentimental but not sappy; one that showed my love but didn't splatter it all over in splashes of red and pink; one that was fun but not goofy. It's a tall order, I know. Most of the cards are for husbands and wives, children or that "someone special" (who might that be, exactly?). It was difficult to find a card for my relationship that didn't seem too generic or too much.


I thought about making my own (with markers and glitter and heart stickers) but then I thought that might be cheesy. I thought about just getting a blank card and writing in my own thoughts (I can write better than most of the cards I found), but I couldn't find any. I thought about just forgetting about the whole thing and, perhaps telling my boyfriend how I feel about him in my own words, but I do that anyway. And I even thought about conveniently forgetting that Valentine's Day exists.

But then I remembered that Valentine's Day is not only this commercial holiday created to sell cards and candy and stuffed animals and jewelry. It is really about love. We are so busy or numb or distracted or angry or forgetful or blind or preoccupied or selfish or bored in our daily lives. Sometimes we need a day dedicated specifically to love to help us remember how to share it, how to feel it. So I gave in to the commercialism and I settled on a card. I even went a little crazy with the chocolates and a gift bag (with hearts all over it!) and red tissue paper.

It won't matter tomorrow, when I give my gift, how it looks or what the card says. What will matter is the thought, the action; that I took the time to search for, choose and wrap up (so nicely!) a gift for someone I love. What will matter is that I love him.

Love is Strong

You do it out of love. Willpower is a weak idea; love is strong. ~Annie Dillard

What do you do out of love? What can you not live without? What is it that keeps you going; makes your heart beat fast and your adrenaline rush and your eyes brighten and your face glow? What do you love more than anything else in the world?

For me - it's writing. Journaling, crafting poetry, creating stories, making lists, writing my life - this is what I love. I love the blank page, so full of potential. I love the texture, the weight, the smell, the heft of a writing notebook or journal that is filled with the reflections of my days. I love the flat, white screen on my laptop just waiting for a story or poem, an essay or maybe even a novel. I love writing exercises and techniques, writing process and brainstorming. I love when the creativity burns inside me and I can write for hours without a thought. I love experimenting with styles, forms and genres. I love playing with words and images - making something come alive.

I love writing - everything about it. I write out of love. I write because I cannot live without it. I write because it keeps me going; it makes my heart beat fast and my adrenaline rush and my eyes brighten and my face glow. I write because I love it more than anything else in the world. That love is strong.

Storm Child

It's warm. I can hear the birds twittering away in the trees outside my windows. The air is humid, moist. The grey clouds above are ready to burst with cool, February rain. The winds will come, too. The meteorologists say 65 miles per hour today with chances of pop-up tornadoes. Thunderstorms are likely, as are downed trees and power lines. It feels like March - the wild and crazy weather of that month comes as no surprise. But this severe spring weather in February? This comes only a few weeks after a major snow/ice storm that crippled the area. And now we are bracing for winds. It's exciting!

I have always been "the storm child," as my mother calls me. She says I was born in a storm. And I can remember plenty of birthday parties (I was born in February) altered by snowstorms. In New Jersey, on the shore, when the winds began to blow and the tides began to rise, I was always quick to get to the beach to watch the waves. In the big Nor'Easter of 1992, I remember taking pictures out the windows of our house as the flood waters rose quickly, submerging our street and anything on it. I watched picnic benches and lifeguard chairs float by. I measured the rising tide as it made its way up the front steps to our house. And it wasn't until the flood waters invaded my bedroom that I experienced the full force of the storm. Standing halfway up the attic stairs watching the water seep from room to room, I cried out, "It's in my room!" I remember the devastation.

But I remember other storms - floods, snowstorms, ice storms, hurricanes - that excited me. It was always an adventure. The power of the natural world fascinates me. So today, though I will be indoors, wary of a possible tornado (I'm still not used to that phenomena out here in the Midwest), I will marvel at mother nature, watching the wind blow and the rain pour and the landscape transform itself into a wide wet world.

Settling in to the Familiar

It is so lovely to get back to something for which I feel total comfort, safety and support. It is like coming home again...relaxing...settling in to the familiar. I have come back again to my Tuesday morning class at a Cincinnati organization called Women Writing for (a) Change after a break between semesters. This is my third class with WWf(a)C and my second run at the Tuesday morning class. Greeting so many warm and familiar faces today lifted my spirits. And meeting so many women new to the group was truly inspiring. We have something here - worth working for, worth saving, worth continuing. The dynamic of women coming together to write, to share our words and stories, to support each other and to lift each other up with positivity, respect and friendship is like nothing I have ever experienced before. I am so grateful for WWf(a)C, for our facilitator Kathy, for the women participants and for the combined stories of our lives. I am newly inspired, motivated and moved. I am refreshed; ready to write, to create, to share. I have come back to the familiar and I am settling in.

February

The long, dark days of February pass by slowly. Winter's chill has set itself into my bones. I shiver, layered in fabrics that never seem to do enough. My skin withers and flakes - aching for moisture in this dry, brittle air. I find that I crave sunlight, warmth, and color right now more than ever. A flower, a ripe piece of fruit, sunlight cascading through a window - natural elements that comfort and calm. I am aching for spring - for long walks in the green grass, cool breezes that do not chill, an afternoon reading in the sunshine, the sound of the world buzzing around outdoors. I want to whip open the windows, air out the house, plant a garden, walk barefoot in the grass. I want to stroll carelessly about - watching, listening, observing the world. I want to hear the songs of birds in the backyard, and toss the dog a toy across the front lawn. I want to leave this cave of winter shadows and shivers. I want to reach out beyond the frosted windows and welcome the sun. The green world awaits.....in a few months.