Behind a Mask

I've been working on telling the truth. To myself, to others, in writing, and out loud. I've been working on being real and clear and authentic. Telling the truth means saying what really happened, telling how you really feel, expressing what you really want. And that's hard! Most of us live our lives hidden discretely behind a mask. We put up a front, we cover up, we lie, to make people think we are someone different than who we really are. Or perhaps we do it to protect ourselves or others from pain, embarrassment, or discomfort. Maybe we are afraid of what others will think of us, or how the truth will change our lives. The truth does change lives. That's just the way it is. But getting through those changes and turning them into positive, transformative experiences is what makes truth-telling so powerful.

This blog, and other attempts at sharing my writing are some of the ways I am practicing truth-telling. Not long ago, I hid most of my writing from others. I shared my writing with very few people, if at all. I was afraid of what others would think of me. Maybe they would think I'm not such a good writer. Maybe they'd be shocked by my subject-matter or opinions. Maybe my secrets would change their opinions of me. Maybe people would look at me differently, laugh at me, get angry with me, or think I'm odd. Maybe I'd get hurt.

But, with encouragement from writing friends, teachers, and loved ones, I took the leap and began "publishing." And here I am, 80 or so posts in and I have never felt better about myself and my writing. I don't know who reads this blog, or if anyone even does (if you do, why don't you comment once in a while!). But I post anyway. I write about what's going on in my life. I write what I am thinking about. I write to share, inspire, and express. And I try, with every word, to tell the truth.

Telling the truth is freeing in a way that can only be understood by experiencing it. First there is fear. Then there is the act of truth-telling - filled with all the anxiety, excitement, and questioning that comes with putting yourself "out there." But then there is this release - it's out there, you've set it free. You can't take it back and even if you can, it's too late. You've said it or written it and the moment has passed. Then you stand up, take a look at yourself, and realize that you're OK. Life did not end, the world did not come crashing down around you. Chances are, your family and friends did not immediately call you up to laugh at you, yell at you, blame you, or scorn you. You are OK. You've lived through it and you have changed because of it.

That's how I feel every time I post a blog entry or read a piece I've written out loud. I felt especially strong and free when my podcast was broadcast on Women Writing for (a) Change http://www.womenwriting.org/. My voice, my writing, and my truth are now out there for anyone in the world to hear. And I'm not so scared anymore. I've told my truth, I've set it free, and I'm moving on. I'm moving on to further truths, deeper truths. I'm moving on to become more real, more free, more clear, and more authentic.

I'm taking off the mask and stepping out into the world as ME. I don't want to be afraid anymore about what others will think or say or feel. I don't want to worry so much about the opinions of others. And I don't want to shape myself to fit anyone else's idea of who I should be. I want to be who I am. And though I haven't yet figured out completely who that is, I'll be sure to tell the truth when I do.