It creeps in like the rising tide upon the shore, sucking away the ground beneath me, washing away my footprints from moments ago. I stand alone, feet submerged in the cold waters, losing my footing, slipping away. This is self-doubt - rising, sucking, submerging, erasing. One comment, one mistake, one look of judgment, one criticism and I am overcome with the feeling. I'm not good enough. I don't know enough. I haven't learned enough...I'm not enough. It is as if one person's disapproval proves my unworthiness, one person's opinion out-weighs all others. I start to wonder: Why have I chosen this path? What brought me here? What made me think I could do this? What will I do when this doesn't work out? Where do I go from here?
But then I remember, at least sometimes, that I am good enough. I do know enough. I have learned plenty. I am enough. I am here because it is where I want to be. I am doing this because it is what I love more than anything in the world. I am following the path I have chosen because it is what is right for me. It will work out. I will be fine. And I will continue on no matter what anyone says or thinks or does.
I am living this life because it is mine. Because I want it. But I know that self-doubt will creep in again - over and over just like the tide. I just have to remind myself that it will seep out again, too, and once again I will be standing on my own two feet, on solid ground, looking out at the distant shore - and all that remains open to me from this vantage point.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Searching
I watch the snow falling as I sit cozied up in front of my computer with a shawl around my shoulders and space heater at my feet. I am reading and writing. I am working independently. I am creating, learning, growing, planning. It is what I have always wanted for myself. It is what I have always dreamed I'd be doing someday. So why do I feel so unproductive; so bored?
I read a few chapters, then put the book down and wander out to the kitchen to refill my glass of water. I open the computer to write and end up logging on to Facebook, checking my email or searching the Internet for books/classes/information. I begin an essay, get on a role, then wind up staring out the window at the snow. I check Facebook again. Then email. Then I go get some more water or a snack or just take a walk around the house. I may read some more but soon my eyes feel heavy and I need to move.
Am I bored? Am I blocked? Am I distracted? Am I lazy?
Not all days are like this. Some days I sit at the computer and write for hours - the creativity burns inside me. Sometimes I sit curled up on the couch and plow through an entire book in one sitting. Sometimes I accomplish magical things at this little computer desk, tucked away in a corner of a back bedroom. But other days I'd rather play with Kramer (the dog) or flip through SELF magazine or do the crossword puzzle from the morning paper, or, yes, play on Facebook.
Isn't this what I wanted? Or do I need more? I am always searching for opportunities - classes to take, books to read, places to visit, things to learn. Maybe I will always be searching. Maybe that's not such a bad thing.
I read a few chapters, then put the book down and wander out to the kitchen to refill my glass of water. I open the computer to write and end up logging on to Facebook, checking my email or searching the Internet for books/classes/information. I begin an essay, get on a role, then wind up staring out the window at the snow. I check Facebook again. Then email. Then I go get some more water or a snack or just take a walk around the house. I may read some more but soon my eyes feel heavy and I need to move.
Am I bored? Am I blocked? Am I distracted? Am I lazy?
Not all days are like this. Some days I sit at the computer and write for hours - the creativity burns inside me. Sometimes I sit curled up on the couch and plow through an entire book in one sitting. Sometimes I accomplish magical things at this little computer desk, tucked away in a corner of a back bedroom. But other days I'd rather play with Kramer (the dog) or flip through SELF magazine or do the crossword puzzle from the morning paper, or, yes, play on Facebook.
Isn't this what I wanted? Or do I need more? I am always searching for opportunities - classes to take, books to read, places to visit, things to learn. Maybe I will always be searching. Maybe that's not such a bad thing.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Is it too much about me?
Why does anyone write a blog? Do we write them because we have this basic need to be heard, to be known, to make our mark? Do we write them because we feel we have something unique to share? Do we write them because we just like to see our names in "print?" Is it selfish? Or is it perhaps a way to connect with others? Is it too much about "me?" Or is that why you are reading?
And speaking of those of you who read blogs, can you tell me why? Why do you spend your time (which I assume is precious to you) reading the ramblings of others? Do you think you might be inspired? Do you think you might connect? Do you think you might learn something? Why do you peer inside the lives of others? Is is voyeurism or interest? Is it to hear gossip or to give support?
I can tell you why I read and write blogs. I read them because I feel that each human being has their own story to tell and I want to support the sharing of those stories. And I write this blog because I want to share my own story. I am a writer and I have kept myself silent and hidden for too long. This blog is my beginning - my first attempt at getting my work "out there" to the world at large.
Now do not think I am foolish. I don't even know if anyone is even reading this blog. I get a comment or two from readers here and there but for the most part I write to this invisible, imagined "reader" - someone I hope is out there supporting me, cheering me on, reading my stories and hopefully, getting inspired to write their own.
So I'm sorry if this blog is too much about me.....but that's what I know and I think its worth sharing.
And speaking of those of you who read blogs, can you tell me why? Why do you spend your time (which I assume is precious to you) reading the ramblings of others? Do you think you might be inspired? Do you think you might connect? Do you think you might learn something? Why do you peer inside the lives of others? Is is voyeurism or interest? Is it to hear gossip or to give support?
I can tell you why I read and write blogs. I read them because I feel that each human being has their own story to tell and I want to support the sharing of those stories. And I write this blog because I want to share my own story. I am a writer and I have kept myself silent and hidden for too long. This blog is my beginning - my first attempt at getting my work "out there" to the world at large.
Now do not think I am foolish. I don't even know if anyone is even reading this blog. I get a comment or two from readers here and there but for the most part I write to this invisible, imagined "reader" - someone I hope is out there supporting me, cheering me on, reading my stories and hopefully, getting inspired to write their own.
So I'm sorry if this blog is too much about me.....but that's what I know and I think its worth sharing.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Decisions
Here's a decision I have to make: work for someone else or go out on my own.
I have this opportunity to work for a local small business, tutoring students in writing, English, homework help etc. etc. With this opportunity comes the prospect of creating and facilitating writing workshops for the same students (and more) over the summer.
The pros: It's an established business with notoriety. It has steady clients. I won't have to worry about the whole issue of starting my own business yet. And the money's not so bad, either.
The cons: If I work for this company, the owner believes it will be a conflict of interest to run my own writing workshops out of my home. This is what I had been planning to do as I complete my master's degree.
So, what do I do? Taking the job right now is easy money - now - without having to lay anything out, plan or create anything or worry about advertising/marketing, etc. But then again, I'd be working for someone else again, when my whole plan is to do it on my own. I guess I could always start this job, get experience, make contacts and make a little more money for now. Then there's no stopping me going out on my own later. Ugh. Decisions, decisions!
Any advice? Comments? Help???
I have this opportunity to work for a local small business, tutoring students in writing, English, homework help etc. etc. With this opportunity comes the prospect of creating and facilitating writing workshops for the same students (and more) over the summer.
The pros: It's an established business with notoriety. It has steady clients. I won't have to worry about the whole issue of starting my own business yet. And the money's not so bad, either.
The cons: If I work for this company, the owner believes it will be a conflict of interest to run my own writing workshops out of my home. This is what I had been planning to do as I complete my master's degree.
So, what do I do? Taking the job right now is easy money - now - without having to lay anything out, plan or create anything or worry about advertising/marketing, etc. But then again, I'd be working for someone else again, when my whole plan is to do it on my own. I guess I could always start this job, get experience, make contacts and make a little more money for now. Then there's no stopping me going out on my own later. Ugh. Decisions, decisions!
Any advice? Comments? Help???
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Inauguration Day
As I've said before, I do not want to make this blog political. I stand solid on the foundation that everyone has a right to believe what they choose - politically, religiously, ethically, etc. And I do not want to force my opinions on anyone as I do not want others to force their opinions on me. But I feel I cannot let this day go by without marking its significance in writing.
Today just feels like the start of something new. Change is occurring. History is being made. And I could not be more excited for what's to come. I hope, beyond hope, that our new president and his administration will begin to make positive changes for our country.
This remarkable event brings the hope of peace, of people coming together to work together, and to create change. My wish is that this feeling of community, of peace, of equality, of positive change, will continue into tomorrow and beyond.
Today just feels like the start of something new. Change is occurring. History is being made. And I could not be more excited for what's to come. I hope, beyond hope, that our new president and his administration will begin to make positive changes for our country.
This remarkable event brings the hope of peace, of people coming together to work together, and to create change. My wish is that this feeling of community, of peace, of equality, of positive change, will continue into tomorrow and beyond.
Monday, January 19, 2009
If I could do anything.....
I am reading this book right now, Book Yourself Solid by Michael Port. It is for a self-designed graduate class called The Writing Life. The idea is to research, plan and develop my own writing business by the end of the course. The book is helping me figure out how to get the clients I want to do the work I want. It is helping me to dig deep and really look into what I want to do with my life. And so I've been thinking....if I could do anything I wanted, if I could have any job I wanted, here's what I would want to do:
I want to create, develop, and run a women's retreat center - specifically for writing retreats. I want land where women can roam and hike and sit under a tree with a book. I want rooms for exercise, yoga, meditation, reading and writing. I want to serve good and healthy food and have gathering places for sipping coffee or wine, talking, laughing and sharing. I want women to come together to write, to share our stories, to support and inspire each other. I want to teach women to use writing as a tool for positive transformation and growth.
This is what I want - and it is what I have been working toward all these years of schooling and research and reading and writing. (In case any of you were wondering!) But I am not there yet. And I am wondering if I ever will be there. It is a big dream - and it would take a lot to make that dream come true. But I am working at it. I am chipping away little by little. I'm trying.
I want to create, develop, and run a women's retreat center - specifically for writing retreats. I want land where women can roam and hike and sit under a tree with a book. I want rooms for exercise, yoga, meditation, reading and writing. I want to serve good and healthy food and have gathering places for sipping coffee or wine, talking, laughing and sharing. I want women to come together to write, to share our stories, to support and inspire each other. I want to teach women to use writing as a tool for positive transformation and growth.
This is what I want - and it is what I have been working toward all these years of schooling and research and reading and writing. (In case any of you were wondering!) But I am not there yet. And I am wondering if I ever will be there. It is a big dream - and it would take a lot to make that dream come true. But I am working at it. I am chipping away little by little. I'm trying.
Friday, January 16, 2009
25 Random Things....
This is from Facebook. Once again, thanks Christy!
1. I was a tomboy as a kid
2. And I used to love wearing band-aids
3. My brother & I used to jump in and out of my mother's station wagon windows playing Dukes of Hazard (Yeeeee-Haaaaa!)
4. I was a Brownie, then a Girl Scout
5. I broke my wrist in 10th grade gym class, running backwards
6. I had to wear the cast for 10 months - and should have worn it longer but the insurance ran out and I had to get the cast taken off...my wrist has never been the same since.
7. I played softball until this broken wrist incident. I was a pitcher and the team "slugger"
8. I once hit two grand slams in one game!
9. I played the flute in band from 4th grade til 8th grade. Then band became "un-cool"
10. I was a vegetarian for 8 years
11. Then my first "meat" again was Tyson Chicken Tenders (thanks Kendra!)
12. I think this is really hard to come up with 25 things on the spur of the moment that others will find interesting about me
13. But, hey, I'm trying
14. Oh yeah, my favorite numbers have always been 2 and 13 - both because they were my numbers in softball
15. Also because a boy I liked in 6th grade lived at 213 Bay Avenue
16. I like butter pecan ice cream but haven't had it in years
17. I once studied Wicca
18. I've attended 5 colleges (grad school included)
19. One was a Buddhist college in Boulder, Colorado
20. I've never been out of the country
21. But I've driven all over the US.
22. I want to be a writer
23. But I'm scared to tell the truth
24. Sometimes I wonder how I ended up where I am
25. But I look back and see the path that brought me here
1. I was a tomboy as a kid
2. And I used to love wearing band-aids
3. My brother & I used to jump in and out of my mother's station wagon windows playing Dukes of Hazard (Yeeeee-Haaaaa!)
4. I was a Brownie, then a Girl Scout
5. I broke my wrist in 10th grade gym class, running backwards
6. I had to wear the cast for 10 months - and should have worn it longer but the insurance ran out and I had to get the cast taken off...my wrist has never been the same since.
7. I played softball until this broken wrist incident. I was a pitcher and the team "slugger"
8. I once hit two grand slams in one game!
9. I played the flute in band from 4th grade til 8th grade. Then band became "un-cool"
10. I was a vegetarian for 8 years
11. Then my first "meat" again was Tyson Chicken Tenders (thanks Kendra!)
12. I think this is really hard to come up with 25 things on the spur of the moment that others will find interesting about me
13. But, hey, I'm trying
14. Oh yeah, my favorite numbers have always been 2 and 13 - both because they were my numbers in softball
15. Also because a boy I liked in 6th grade lived at 213 Bay Avenue
16. I like butter pecan ice cream but haven't had it in years
17. I once studied Wicca
18. I've attended 5 colleges (grad school included)
19. One was a Buddhist college in Boulder, Colorado
20. I've never been out of the country
21. But I've driven all over the US.
22. I want to be a writer
23. But I'm scared to tell the truth
24. Sometimes I wonder how I ended up where I am
25. But I look back and see the path that brought me here
Thursday, January 15, 2009
I'm Gonna Get in Trouble for This!
So, my friend, Christy posted on her blog, the idea to look at the sixth picture in the sixth folder of your picture files on your computer, then blog about that photo. So here's this photo. And I'm going to get in trouble for it because this is me and Ron and Ron HATES this photo. Every time he sees it he covers his eyes because he hates the way he looks in it. Ok, so nobody's perfect, but since we only have about three pictures of us together, he's gonna have to deal with it!This photos was taken on New Year's Eve (last year - 2007/08) at our friends' Scott and Gina's wedding in Indianapolis. What a fun way to spend New Year's Eve! Our friends were all together in one place. We got all dressed up. The food and booze were free. And we stayed in this cute little historic (and they say, haunted) inn. It was a night to remember! And I'm happy to have this memento of the occasion - even if Ron says it looks like I am posing in this picture with my fat, old grandfather!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Comments, Please!
Please feel free to comment. I welcome your thoughts on any topic. It's nice to know someone out there is reading my words.
Settling
How do you know if/when you are settling? And what is settling, really? Is it contentment? Happiness? Laziness? Fear? Is it the inability to look for, reach for, try for, more? Is it giving up and giving in? Is it OK to settle? Or is it a negative thing? And how do you really know if you are settling or just living your life?
I know of times that I have settled - or things I have settled for. I've settled for jobs in childcare because I was too afraid to pursue my true passion of writing. I've settled for places to live because of someone or something that brought me there. I've settled for relationships because I often thought I couldn't do any better. I've settled for certain lifestyles because "everyone else is doing it," or I couldn't afford anything different, or perhaps was afraid, or tired, or was just not inspired to search for more. I've settled for being treated certain ways. I've settled for being someone I really wasn't inside. I've settled for what was given to me.....because that's all I could do.
All this talk about settling and I am the one who tells everyone to go out and live their dreams. I am the one who has taken off - ventured out on my own - just because. I am the one who acts as if all of my dreams can come true if only I take action. Well, I am beginning to think that's all a fantasy.
Maybe we do settle for things because we don't think we deserve better, or we're tired, or afraid, or perhaps just don't know what else is "out there." But perhaps we also settle because we are comfortable, content, happy in the moment and in need of nothing more.
If what I am looking for is happiness in the moment - there is no need to continue the search. There is no need to keep wondering what if, what next, what else? There is only a need to appreciate and enjoy what I have NOW. And take my life moment by moment, day by day. Why am I always looking to the future and thinking - then I'll be happy - when happiness awaits me right here in the present, in my every day life?
My thoughts on this are that maybe I just need to wake up and experience the present moment. The past is gone - done, over, lived through and survived. The future is yet to be seen. But right now - the people, things, events, images and emotions in my life - are the important things. These are what matter. And I am not settling for them. I am living and loving them.
I know of times that I have settled - or things I have settled for. I've settled for jobs in childcare because I was too afraid to pursue my true passion of writing. I've settled for places to live because of someone or something that brought me there. I've settled for relationships because I often thought I couldn't do any better. I've settled for certain lifestyles because "everyone else is doing it," or I couldn't afford anything different, or perhaps was afraid, or tired, or was just not inspired to search for more. I've settled for being treated certain ways. I've settled for being someone I really wasn't inside. I've settled for what was given to me.....because that's all I could do.
All this talk about settling and I am the one who tells everyone to go out and live their dreams. I am the one who has taken off - ventured out on my own - just because. I am the one who acts as if all of my dreams can come true if only I take action. Well, I am beginning to think that's all a fantasy.
Maybe we do settle for things because we don't think we deserve better, or we're tired, or afraid, or perhaps just don't know what else is "out there." But perhaps we also settle because we are comfortable, content, happy in the moment and in need of nothing more.
If what I am looking for is happiness in the moment - there is no need to continue the search. There is no need to keep wondering what if, what next, what else? There is only a need to appreciate and enjoy what I have NOW. And take my life moment by moment, day by day. Why am I always looking to the future and thinking - then I'll be happy - when happiness awaits me right here in the present, in my every day life?
My thoughts on this are that maybe I just need to wake up and experience the present moment. The past is gone - done, over, lived through and survived. The future is yet to be seen. But right now - the people, things, events, images and emotions in my life - are the important things. These are what matter. And I am not settling for them. I am living and loving them.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Inspiration
I just finished the book, Reading Like a Writer by Francine Prose. In it she discusses the many ways writers can find inspiration (and advice, information and more) by reading - fiction, nonfiction, poetry and more. She gives specific examples of how writers shape sentences and paragraphs; how writers play with narration and character development; and the intricacies of dialogue, details, and gestures. The book was in inspiration. It made me want to read all the classic novels as well as contemporary literature. It made me want to dive into a book and give myself over to the power of a story. It made me want to look deeper, closer, harder. And it made me want to write - to practice, to play, to create, to craft.
I am grateful for the inspiration. Sometimes I need it to get me going again. I learned much by reading this book, but I also took away this important piece of advice from the author, "Admit that you understand nothing of life, nothing of what you see. Then go out and look at the world (Prose, 248)." There is always something new to learn. And there is always a new perspective from which to view the world.
I am grateful for the inspiration. Sometimes I need it to get me going again. I learned much by reading this book, but I also took away this important piece of advice from the author, "Admit that you understand nothing of life, nothing of what you see. Then go out and look at the world (Prose, 248)." There is always something new to learn. And there is always a new perspective from which to view the world.
Monday, January 5, 2009
I Don't Pray
It's the New Year....and it's time to start thinking about what I can do to make the world - and my little circle of it - better, happier, healthier, more peaceful, and more beautiful. So I've been thinking... and here are some of my random thoughts...
I don't pray (in the typical religious sense). But I do other things to better understand myself and the world around me, to get me through tough times, to propel me forward with positivity, and to send good thoughts to others.
I often say simple affirmations to help me feel good about myself, to set intentions for the day and to help me move forward with my day/life.
I think positive thoughts about family and friends that I believe ripple out to them in some way.
I write. And write and write and write.
I daydream. And set intentions to make those dreams come true.
I read my horoscope every day. Reading into the details of the celestial forecast often lifts me up, wakes me up, and advises me on where to go or what to do. It is a little karmic shake-up sometimes, that sets me on a path toward my "destiny." And though that may sound funny or corny or hippy-ish - it works for me. And it helps me achieve my goals and reach my dreams.
I try to stay positive - peaceful - and not let the little things get me down. Yes, things go wrong, they don't go my way, things break, things get lost. They are just things. I say again, they are just things.
And although I am not saying prayers to a Deity, a God/Goddess or some other religious icon - I think these things are prayers in some form. So, no, I don't pray. Not like you might or like you may hope I would. But I believe in the power of prayer - for self and others. And in my small, silly and unique way, I'll say a prayer for you.
I don't pray (in the typical religious sense). But I do other things to better understand myself and the world around me, to get me through tough times, to propel me forward with positivity, and to send good thoughts to others.
I often say simple affirmations to help me feel good about myself, to set intentions for the day and to help me move forward with my day/life.
I think positive thoughts about family and friends that I believe ripple out to them in some way.
I write. And write and write and write.
I daydream. And set intentions to make those dreams come true.
I read my horoscope every day. Reading into the details of the celestial forecast often lifts me up, wakes me up, and advises me on where to go or what to do. It is a little karmic shake-up sometimes, that sets me on a path toward my "destiny." And though that may sound funny or corny or hippy-ish - it works for me. And it helps me achieve my goals and reach my dreams.
I try to stay positive - peaceful - and not let the little things get me down. Yes, things go wrong, they don't go my way, things break, things get lost. They are just things. I say again, they are just things.
And although I am not saying prayers to a Deity, a God/Goddess or some other religious icon - I think these things are prayers in some form. So, no, I don't pray. Not like you might or like you may hope I would. But I believe in the power of prayer - for self and others. And in my small, silly and unique way, I'll say a prayer for you.
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