Feminism Inside (and) Out

"... I wrote about discrimination, abortion, violence against women. I wrote about women's health, sexism in the media, cultural imagery. I even wrote about women (other women) with eating disorders. And quietly, privately, I starved myself to death. There you have it: intellectual belief without the corollary emotional roots; feminist power understood in the mind but not known, somehow, in the body." ~Caroline Knapp, Appetites: Why Women Want

I read these sentences twice. I underlined them, and underlined them again. I put stars in the margins and dog-eared the page. This is it! This is me. Total and unquestionable belief in the equal rights of women, a woman's power, and women's issues; but doubt and insecurity in my own life.

I believe that a woman is beautiful no matter her shape, size, color, or ethnicity; and yet, I have struggled my whole life with weight issues and low self-esteem related to appearance. I believe that women are just as strong, intelligent, creative, and powerful as men (more so in many ways); and yet, I am shy, self-conscious, and quiet around men, and I let them take the lead. I believe that women deserve the right to do it all and have it all; and yet, I wouldn't mind being "taken care of" (financially) by a man. I believe that women are exploited in the media, that sex is not what we are all about, that we should be valued for our hearts and minds and everything else that makes up who we are; and yet, I want to be sexy, I want to be looked at, I want to be wanted.

Feminist in thought, but not in action. Not in the way I see myself. Not in the way I treat myself. Not in the way I let others treat me. And that's not who I want to be. That's not how I want others to see me. And maybe they don't. Maybe it's just all in my head - these self-doubts, these insecurities, these feelings of low self-worth and unimportance. I am not that girl. I don't want to be that girl. I have worked hard to be someone other than that, someone better. But the insecurities still creep in, the self-doubt still takes over, the feelings of insignificance and unimportance do not disappear.

I want to shout from the rooftops how important it is for women to believe in themselves, to take care of themselves, to trust, love, and honor themselves. I want to teach young girls to hold on to who they are and not let society, the media, culture, men, or even other women tear them down, break them apart, silence them. I want to reach out to women who struggle with body image and tell them they are beautiful in every way. I want to raise the voices of young girls and women who have been quieted. I want to hear them loud and clear, strong and powerful. I want every woman, everywhere to discover herself, discover her power, and live her life in freedom.

But I sit here quietly typing away, hidden from view, anonymous. I don't know if I am where I want to be. I don't know if I am who I want to be. I still struggle with my weight and issues of self-esteem, even though I have completely transformed my body. I still fall in line behind the boys, even though I act like I am strong. I still let others do the talking, even though I have my own ideas. I still don't reach my full potential, even though I could. I still don't go for every opportunity, even though I should.

But it's not all bad. I've come a long way. I have accomplished a great deal - enormous, amazing things, as a matter of fact. And every day I take another step toward the direction of my dreams, toward who I want to be. I know with my whole heart what I want for the world's population of women, for my female family and friends, for my nieces, my future daughters, and for all young women. If only I could feel so confident about what I want for myself and experience feminism inside and out.

How Writing Changed My Life

It is impossible to recount all the ways writing has changed my life. But is has, and still does. Writing has transformed me in body, mind, and spirit. Writing has saved me, it has sustained me. Writing is the one thing I can count on at any time of day or night, in any frame of mind, for any reason, and in any capacity. Writing is my friend, my constant companion, my therapist, and my conscience. Writing is what I turn to when I need solace and understanding, comfort and compassion, listening and accepting, creative expression and artistic adventure. The writing experience is non-judgmental and non-critical, open and welcoming, free and easy. Getting down my thoughts, ideas, passions, obsessions, questions, experiences, dreams, and accomplishments in words keeps me alive, gives me strength, teaches me, and transforms me.

Writing is a part of my life in the everyday scribbles in my journal, status reports on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/), emails to friends and family, and this blog. Writing is also a part of my creative life as I work to craft personal narrative, poems, a little fiction, and other writing experiments. I also write for self-understanding, personal expression, and inner transformation. To pursue the writing life I desire, I attend a weekly writing workshop with the amazing, Women Writing for (a) Change (http://www.womenwriting.org/). I am in the process of writing my graduate thesis with a focus on Women's Transformative Writing Process. And I am creating writing workshops for women to inspire others to use writing as a tool for transformation (http://www.womenswritingcenter.com/).

Writing is a part of my everyday. With each word written, each poem crafted, or personal story put down on the page, I am transformed. Through writing, I learn about myself -my wants and needs, my desires and passions, my obsessions and pitfalls, my fears and dreams. I learn about what I can do to create change in my life - and in changing my life, I create change in the lives of those around me. Writing is a generosity to others. As I learn more about who I am, I work hard to become a better person, to take positive actions, and make beneficial changes in myself and the world around me. That generosity to myself reaches out to others as the gift of writing.

As I said, it is impossible to recount all the ways writing has changed my life, but here are a few:

• I have gained greater appreciation and respect for the world around me by paying attention to and writing down the details.
• Writing has seen me through break-ups and losses, confusion and self-doubt, and has been a comfort to me in sadness and pain.
• The journal was an important tool in the total transformation of my body and spirit when I recently lost over 80 pounds. I used the journal, not only as a food diary, but also to record my feelings about the physical and emotional changes through the process of losing weight.
• In writing, I tell the truth and express myself more clearly and more creatively than I can with the spoken word. Writing gives me a voice on the page that I do not necessarily have in public.
• Writing has given me the strength and the motivation to create significant change in my life from moving across the country, to applying to college and eventually graduate school, and even pursuing my writing dreams. I truly believe in the practice of writing it down and making it happen.
• Writing keeps a record of my life - my adventures and experiences, my relationships, my dreams and goals, my losses and gains. My writing is the evidence of my existence.

Writing has changed my life - in all the ways listed above and many more. I discover new ways to create change through writing almost every day. Writing is a transformative process that continues to evolve and grow. Writing is a journey, and I am traveling on...

Appetites

When I wrote the previous post last night, I was hungry. I had also been reading a book all day called Appetites: Why Women Want by Caroline Knapp about anorexia and women's desires and needs and appetites (not only food related!). It must have all gone to my head. Today, I am OK. Normal eating patterns (for a dieter, that is), fine mood, average day. I just want to be clear that I am OK, lest some of you read my previous post and begin to worry. It was a hungry kind of day and my mind was swirling with ideas and obsessions.

The subject of women's appetites does get the wheels turning....what do women want and why do we want it? Oh there's so many things I want, and so many reasons for wanting those things. Basic needs aside, there are the material things - a nice house, nice car, clothing, home items, entertainment items, etc. etc.; there are also the leisure activities - vacations to exotic or cultural places, long weekends, and days off just for fun are among those on the top of the list; and then there are the emotional things - and that list goes on and on. There are the desires for love and affection, for personal fulfillment and self-acceptance, for accomplishment and achievement. There is the need for companionship and comfort, personal safety and positive appearance. There is the appetite for freedom and excitement, new adventures and living fully. But then there is the desire to simplify - to get down to the bare essentials and just live life. How can one person want so much and so little all at once? And how does a woman even begin to express, take action on or fulfill these desires?

It seems as if the questions keep coming, the appetites keep growing. It seems as if it is a never ending circle of wanting-getting-wanting more. And I am not suggesting that is a bad thing. How else do we grow and learn if not by trying new things, wanting more, making plans, and reaching goals?

What are your appetites? What do you want/desire/need? Think about it. Write it down. Then take the steps to satisfy those desires and fulfill those needs. You deserve it!

Hungry

I have been following a pretty strict diet regimen since last Monday (7 days in, now). I am consuming about 1,200 calories a day. Sometimes, I don't even reach 1,200. I obsessively write everything down. I do some form of exercise every day. And I weigh myself every morning, naked, fresh out of bed, at almost the exact time each day. I am obsessed, I know. I've been this way before.


This is what I do. I get obsessed. I throw my whole self into something and devote the majority of my time, energy, and thinking to this obsession. This time, as it has been before, the obsession is dieting. I am striving to lose weight, get toned, and fit into those cute spring and summer outfits I desire. I am striving to feel good about myself, look good, and be the skinny girl I have always wanted to be but never could.

And that's the obsessive part. After losing 80+ pounds recently, I am the skinny girl I have always wanted to be, for the most part. But in my mind, I always have more to lose. Especially now since I have put on a few pounds in the last few months - the results of the winter blues, living in the Midwest where everything is served "homestyle," living with a man who likes his sweets and snacks, and my own issues with food. So I have come to this place in my mind where the need, desire, compulsion to lose weight has taken over.

But I'm hungry. And dieting is difficult when the kitchen is stocked with all sorts of goodies - ice cream, m&ms, potato chips, cinnamon buns, french fries - none of them mine and all of them tempting! But what's ridiculous is that I wouldn't normally eat these things anyway. It's just that I'm hungry and they look good.

Why am I starving myself on 1,200 calories a day, you ask? Why am I denying myself a treat here and there? Why am I putting myself through this misery? Why am I so obsessed? Good questions, all of them, and not easy to answer. The simple answer is that I want to be skinny. But the issues go deeper than that. And unearthing them is a drama I am not yet prepared for. So instead, I will continue my obsession, writing everything down, weighing myself daily, exercising, and working hard to be that skinny girl - working hard and still hungry.

Earth Day

It is Earth Day today. I like Earth Day. I like the fact that we name this day to celebrate the earth, honor the earth, and try to make conscious decisions to care for and nurture the earth. On Earth Day it is important to consider what you can do to live a healthier, "greener," and more environmentally conscious life. It is important to think about what you can change, what small steps you can take, what little efforts you may make. It is really not that difficult. Creating change in your life and for the earth can be quite simple and amazingly rewarding.

Granted, I am not the most environmentally conscious human being on the planet, but I try. I do small things to live a healthier, greener, more environmentally conscious life. And I make an effort to try new things when I am able. At least I am trying....are you? Here are some well-known suggestions to consider or not:

Plant a garden

Buy locally

Buy organic

Cook at home

Recycle

Walk or ride a bike instead of a car when you can

Eat less meat

Spend time outdoors

Make a donation to an environmental organization

Use reusable bags at the grocery store

Turn off the lights when you leave a room

Use reusable water bottles

Don't let the water run

Plant a tree

Reduce the amount of waste you contribute to landfills

Do something, anything.

I would love to hear what you are doing today on Earth Day, and everyday, to celebrate, honor, and nurture the earth. I'd also love to hear some of your suggestions for living a healthier, greener, and more environmentally conscious life. My list only cracks the surface. What can you add?

Here are just a few sites to visit (do you have any to recommend?):

http://www.earthday.net/

http://www.care2.com/

http://www.organicearthday.org/

Build a Tolerance for What You Cannot Bear - a prompt from Natalie Goldberg

Life takes getting through - going on. We are, every day, letting go of things, moving over things, making wide circles around the things that scare us. Because of fear, we avoid so much, we do not allow a great deal, we walk away from mountains of opportunities. What if, instead, we faced the fear head on? What if we stood up, raised our eyes and stared directly into the face of fear? Would we die? Would it kill us? Maybe. There are dangers in this world, yes. But I'd say - mostly - probably not. Our fears are so scary because we feed them, we let them grow, we avoid them and allow them to fester. If, instead, we gathered the courage to face our fears, perhaps they wouldn't be so frightening after all.

Today, make a list of your fears. Write as many as you can, as many as you want, as many as you can bear to admit. Then choose one to conquer. Take the steps to face and get over this fear. You'll feel better. You'll learn something. You'll grow. When you've done that, choose another fear to conquer. Keep going, day by day, fear by fear, until you've faced them all. Only then can you live your life free of the terror that has always lived inside of you.

Tell Me What You Will Miss When You Die - a prompt by Natalie Goldberg

Books, blank paper, and coffee.

Family, of course,

And those I love.

A sunny spring day, laying in the sun.

A walk in the woods and the ocean.

Strawberries and Cool Whip, brownies, too.

Margaritas, wine, flowers, and thunderstorms.

Inspiration and quiet.

Festivals and light, learning something new.

Peaches and iced tea.

Feeling good about myself and sleeping in.

Movies that make me cry and music to sing along to.

A quiet day in a museum, a picnic in a park.

The sounds and smells of summer.

A winter blizzard - while warm and cozy indoors.

Fall...

Travel, cooking, plans for the future.

Coconut cream pie.

Daisies and sunflowers.

The love of a child.

Jeans, t-shirts and flip-flops.

Warmth, blue skies, and birds.

The excitement of tomorrow.

Butterflies and bumblebees.

Ice cream cones with sprinkles and hot apple pie.

Family gatherings, gift-giving.

Asking questions and finding answers.

Tree-lined streets, walks on the beach, memories of childhood.

Laughing, loving, living.

Come for Coffee

Come for coffee.
We'll write together, share our work aloud
And give each other supportive feedback.
We'll have coffee and treats -
What would you like to bring?
I'll brew a fresh pot -
regular or decaf, flavored if you'd like.
I'll light a candle, gather the chairs in a circle
And put fresh flowers in a vase.
I'll wait for you to arrive
With excitement and anticipation.
I'll look forward to these mornings -
Sharing coffee, conversation, creativity and compassion.
Come for coffee, I'll be here.

Dawn to Dusk

Facebook says I am a Dusk.

I took a quiz on Blogthings (http://www.blogthings.com/areyouduskordawnquiz/) the other day that asked if I am a Dusk or a Dawn. Being a Dawn by name, I thought this might be interesting. The quiz asked the following questions (with my answers in italics):

Your best days:
Have a late start
Have an early start

You rather have a job where:
You were completely free to do what you wanted
You had a lot of potential for success

You get more done:
On a rainy day
On a sunny day

If you had to choose, you'd describe yourself as:
Conventional
Weird

You have your greatest moments of inspiration:
At work
At play

Your favorite music is:
Evocative and emotional
Energetic and inspiring

You rather be thought of as:
Unique
Heroic

Apparently, these answers transformed me from a Dawn to a Dusk! Ah, the magic of Facebook! Really, though, when I read the definition of what a Dusk is, I understood. This is me.

You Are Dusk
You are a naturally idealistic and creative person. You look forward to nights where everything is possible.You spend most of your energy on play. Work is okay, but the true you emerges after the work day is done.You're an offbeat type that doesn't like rules or schedules. Life's too short to waste at a desk in a cube.Whether you spend your night socializing or working on side projects, you like that your time is yours.

I'd be interested to see what the definition of a Dawn might be!

Ending

Last night, I got together with three women from my small group at Women Writing for (a) Change. We gathered for dinner, wine, conversation and closure, as our small group time together has come to an end. Fortunately, three of us will still take part in the writing group together but one of us is moving on. As I thought about our group's finish, I wrote a few words to mark the ending of this phase and the beginning of something new. Here are my thoughts on ending...

It seems like things are always ending. Good-bye is always at the tip of the tongue. Things begin, with all the flourish of beginning - a welcome, a celebration, the awkward getting-to-know-each other phase. But before long everything usually becomes comfortable, easy, common and natural. Like we have always been a part of each other’s lives, always been this group. And we go on with the day to day, growing closer in our connections and appreciating each other’s presence and gifts. But then, all of a sudden, there comes an end – a good-bye. One phase of this life ends to make way for the next phase. Sometimes there is sadness, a loss, grief. Sometimes relief. Sometimes we are ready for the end and live in anticipation for the next beginning. But that ending – that good-bye, that moving away or moving apart or moving on – must be noticed, must be acknowledged. Closure is what many call it. Coming to a conclusion, settling on a solution, finalizing, being at peace and letting it go – these things are necessary at an end.

There are words to signal an ending. There are gestures and rituals to signify that something is coming to a close. There are large productions, festive send-offs, tearful ceremonies, and all sorts of ways to document the memories of a time spent together. There is a way to say good-by with heart and a way to end things with cruelty and pain. There are ways to honor endings, and ways to let them go quietly. There are endings that seem to never end and there are good-byes said so quickly it is as if the words were not even spoken. There are so many ways to bring something to a close, so many words that mean good-bye.

I like our ending, because it is not an end at all. We may say good-bye, pass the stone one last time and distinguish the candle; but like the smoke that rises from the flame and lingers through the room; our experience lingers in my heart. And I know we shall meet again.

Blah...

The sun has not shone its face for a few days. And when it has, it has been short lived. I'm feeling so blah. I miss the sunshine...and where is this spring weather we are supposed to be having? Our normal high for this time of year is 65 degrees. Today we are struggling to even get to 50 degrees. Blah!

I can feel the effects of this chilly, damp weather on my mood. It is spring, I want so badly to get outside, walk in the sunshine, smell the flowers and smile at the beauty of the earth in spring. Instead, I hole up inside, bundle myself in sweatshirts and thick socks, and wait - hope - for the sun to rise tomorrow.

I know there are worse things than a few clouds. And maybe it's not the weather at all that has got me feeling so blah. But I am finding it difficult to get motivated. I am tired. Headaches from allergies (how is this weather causing allergies, I ask?) are bringing me down. And nothing, nothing is sparking my interest.

Blah, blah, blah.....boring post, I know. But now you know how I feel.

What to do the first morning you are alone…

(from a WWf(a)C prompt)

Throw off the covers and leap out of bed.
Hoist open the windows, breathe deep,
Let the sun in, the air in, the world in.
Take a warm shower.
Use that expensive body wash you’ve been saving.
Let the scent of lavender and the trickle of water wash over you.
Get dressed in your most comfortable clothes –
A t-shirt and jeans would be my choice.
Let your hair air dry.
Make a pot of coffee and while it’s brewing, wander around the house.
Look at photographs, touch the silky rim of the blanket your mother gave you years ago,
Drink in the perfumes and colors of the fresh flowers on the coffee table, listen to the silence.
Slice a ripe peach and sit down at the kitchen table with your first cup of coffee.
Savor the peach, the light cascading through the kitchen windows and this time alone.
Spend some time writing.
Look out the window and admire the beauty of the day.
Then get out there.
Run barefoot in the grass, climb your favorite tree, relax in the sun,
Pick a flower to take home with you, follow a butterfly.
Let the day take you on a journey.
Appreciate everything.
At sunset, sit on your front porch and watch the shadows grow longer,
The sun sink below the tree line.
Stay outside listening to the chirping crickets and gentle breezes through the trees
Until you catch a chill.
Inside, brew a pot of tea.
Sit down in a comfortable chair with a favorite book.
Read, until your eyes grow heavy and your thoughts turn to sleep.
Dream of another day like this one and savor the solitude.