Feminism Inside (and) Out

"... I wrote about discrimination, abortion, violence against women. I wrote about women's health, sexism in the media, cultural imagery. I even wrote about women (other women) with eating disorders. And quietly, privately, I starved myself to death. There you have it: intellectual belief without the corollary emotional roots; feminist power understood in the mind but not known, somehow, in the body." ~Caroline Knapp, Appetites: Why Women Want

I read these sentences twice. I underlined them, and underlined them again. I put stars in the margins and dog-eared the page. This is it! This is me. Total and unquestionable belief in the equal rights of women, a woman's power, and women's issues; but doubt and insecurity in my own life.

I believe that a woman is beautiful no matter her shape, size, color, or ethnicity; and yet, I have struggled my whole life with weight issues and low self-esteem related to appearance. I believe that women are just as strong, intelligent, creative, and powerful as men (more so in many ways); and yet, I am shy, self-conscious, and quiet around men, and I let them take the lead. I believe that women deserve the right to do it all and have it all; and yet, I wouldn't mind being "taken care of" (financially) by a man. I believe that women are exploited in the media, that sex is not what we are all about, that we should be valued for our hearts and minds and everything else that makes up who we are; and yet, I want to be sexy, I want to be looked at, I want to be wanted.

Feminist in thought, but not in action. Not in the way I see myself. Not in the way I treat myself. Not in the way I let others treat me. And that's not who I want to be. That's not how I want others to see me. And maybe they don't. Maybe it's just all in my head - these self-doubts, these insecurities, these feelings of low self-worth and unimportance. I am not that girl. I don't want to be that girl. I have worked hard to be someone other than that, someone better. But the insecurities still creep in, the self-doubt still takes over, the feelings of insignificance and unimportance do not disappear.

I want to shout from the rooftops how important it is for women to believe in themselves, to take care of themselves, to trust, love, and honor themselves. I want to teach young girls to hold on to who they are and not let society, the media, culture, men, or even other women tear them down, break them apart, silence them. I want to reach out to women who struggle with body image and tell them they are beautiful in every way. I want to raise the voices of young girls and women who have been quieted. I want to hear them loud and clear, strong and powerful. I want every woman, everywhere to discover herself, discover her power, and live her life in freedom.

But I sit here quietly typing away, hidden from view, anonymous. I don't know if I am where I want to be. I don't know if I am who I want to be. I still struggle with my weight and issues of self-esteem, even though I have completely transformed my body. I still fall in line behind the boys, even though I act like I am strong. I still let others do the talking, even though I have my own ideas. I still don't reach my full potential, even though I could. I still don't go for every opportunity, even though I should.

But it's not all bad. I've come a long way. I have accomplished a great deal - enormous, amazing things, as a matter of fact. And every day I take another step toward the direction of my dreams, toward who I want to be. I know with my whole heart what I want for the world's population of women, for my female family and friends, for my nieces, my future daughters, and for all young women. If only I could feel so confident about what I want for myself and experience feminism inside and out.