Hungry

I have been following a pretty strict diet regimen since last Monday (7 days in, now). I am consuming about 1,200 calories a day. Sometimes, I don't even reach 1,200. I obsessively write everything down. I do some form of exercise every day. And I weigh myself every morning, naked, fresh out of bed, at almost the exact time each day. I am obsessed, I know. I've been this way before.


This is what I do. I get obsessed. I throw my whole self into something and devote the majority of my time, energy, and thinking to this obsession. This time, as it has been before, the obsession is dieting. I am striving to lose weight, get toned, and fit into those cute spring and summer outfits I desire. I am striving to feel good about myself, look good, and be the skinny girl I have always wanted to be but never could.

And that's the obsessive part. After losing 80+ pounds recently, I am the skinny girl I have always wanted to be, for the most part. But in my mind, I always have more to lose. Especially now since I have put on a few pounds in the last few months - the results of the winter blues, living in the Midwest where everything is served "homestyle," living with a man who likes his sweets and snacks, and my own issues with food. So I have come to this place in my mind where the need, desire, compulsion to lose weight has taken over.

But I'm hungry. And dieting is difficult when the kitchen is stocked with all sorts of goodies - ice cream, m&ms, potato chips, cinnamon buns, french fries - none of them mine and all of them tempting! But what's ridiculous is that I wouldn't normally eat these things anyway. It's just that I'm hungry and they look good.

Why am I starving myself on 1,200 calories a day, you ask? Why am I denying myself a treat here and there? Why am I putting myself through this misery? Why am I so obsessed? Good questions, all of them, and not easy to answer. The simple answer is that I want to be skinny. But the issues go deeper than that. And unearthing them is a drama I am not yet prepared for. So instead, I will continue my obsession, writing everything down, weighing myself daily, exercising, and working hard to be that skinny girl - working hard and still hungry.