Searching

I watch the snow falling as I sit cozied up in front of my computer with a shawl around my shoulders and space heater at my feet. I am reading and writing. I am working independently. I am creating, learning, growing, planning. It is what I have always wanted for myself. It is what I have always dreamed I'd be doing someday. So why do I feel so unproductive; so bored?

I read a few chapters, then put the book down and wander out to the kitchen to refill my glass of water. I open the computer to write and end up logging on to Facebook, checking my email or searching the Internet for books/classes/information. I begin an essay, get on a role, then wind up staring out the window at the snow. I check Facebook again. Then email. Then I go get some more water or a snack or just take a walk around the house. I may read some more but soon my eyes feel heavy and I need to move.

Am I bored? Am I blocked? Am I distracted? Am I lazy?

Not all days are like this. Some days I sit at the computer and write for hours - the creativity burns inside me. Sometimes I sit curled up on the couch and plow through an entire book in one sitting. Sometimes I accomplish magical things at this little computer desk, tucked away in a corner of a back bedroom. But other days I'd rather play with Kramer (the dog) or flip through SELF magazine or do the crossword puzzle from the morning paper, or, yes, play on Facebook.

Isn't this what I wanted? Or do I need more? I am always searching for opportunities - classes to take, books to read, places to visit, things to learn. Maybe I will always be searching. Maybe that's not such a bad thing.